Vulnerability is…

“ She threw away all of her masks and put on her soul” ~ anon

Being open and honest is something a lot of people struggle with. Vulnerability is not for the faint hearted. It’s scary AF but what I’ve realised is that without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in certain situations we are always going to be holding back. Not being who we really are.

The need to be seen is increasing all of the time. People want to be noticed, want their voices heard, their wins to be applauded, and their pain and suffering to at least be acknowledged if not understood. The whole world is screaming ‘but what about me?’. Has it always been like this or is it that we are all so busy in our own lives to even notice what’s going on around us?

Vulnerability probably means something different to everyone. For me it’s opening myself up to hurt and ridicule. Which sounds bloody ridiculous because on some level I consider myself an open book. But I also think that comes from years of therapy and my empathic need to help others. As a child I was very much the opposite, no one knew what was going on in my head. In fact, I was so shy I barely spoke. Go figure!

Now I share a lot. On my social media, through my blog and with friends. And yeah it’s personal stuff and some people don’t understand why I feel the need to do this. Am I over sharing? Is it attention seeking? Or am I just trying to be real? To be honest, I hadn’t thought that much about it until this week when I was listening to my new audio book, Daring Greatly by Brené Brown (obsessed!). The whole book is about vulnerability; what it is to be vulnerable, the ways in which it shows up and it’s necessity.

Do we really need to bare all? Well of course we bloody don’t. Everyone has the right to be as private as they like and people don’t need (or want) to hear all about your dirty secrets. But if you want people to really know you, I’m afraid you’re going to have to open up a bit. But being vulnerable is more then just opening up. Being vulnerable is going for your dream job knowing that there’s a chance you might not get it. Telling your best friend that you want to be more then friends without knowing if they feel the same. It’s telling people you no longer drink alcohol because you mostly drank to drown out the demons screaming in your head and those demons were getting louder and required more drowning out as time went on. All of these things are you putting yourself out there, letting yourself be seen but knowing that the potential to get hurt, disappointment, judged or worse…dismissed is there.

So how do you know what to open up about and what not to? I think it comes down to knowing why. What’s the purpose behind you sharing? Is it to help others? To improve your life? Of course you can share what ever you like but that doesn’t mean you are being vulnerable. You need courage to be vulnerable so if you’re just sharing something and it’s not affecting you emotionally I’d say you’re probably just trying to seek attention. And I’m not saying that’s bad because there are times when we need to be grabbing peoples attention. But that’s not vulnerability.

I think vulnerability also comes from caring a lot about what it is you’re doing or how you are showing up. For me this blog is me being vulnerable. I love to write, I think my written word is more powerful than when I talk on video for example. I try to write about things I think people will relate to, things that make people feel less alone in the world. While at the same time just simply writing about my thoughts and experiences. The truth is I’d love to write professionally but the thought terrifies me and I’d have to step even further into the vulnerability arena to find out if I’m good enough…and I’m not ready to do that just yet!

Basically I think vulnerability is taking a leap into uncertainty. It’s baring your soul not knowing how it will be received. It can be the biggest and best game changer ever. Or could leave you so badly bruised you recoil once more. All I know is that despite me having spent so much of my life recoiling I know that I have to keep trying and putting myself back out there because if I don’t, well I may as well just stay in bed for the rest of my life. And I just don’t think there’s enough on Netflix for me to maintain that kind of lifestyle, you know?

And it was all going so well…

Don’t you just hate it when things are going so well and all of a sudden, out of nowhere life, the universe, whatever you want to call it puts a stop to it? And it’s even worse when you have no explanation for it? Like, I seriously don’t have time for this bullshit. This week was meant to be full of productivity and progress, instead it’s been a bit like mouldy cheese. That might be the worst analogy ever but I think you know what I’m getting at.

For a start my early mornings haven’t been as early as I’d like and come to think of it my sleep has been a little bit disturbed lately too. So because my day has been starting later, I’ve been skipping bits of my morning routine just so I don’t get too behind with other things. And as a result that 30min slot I’d allocated for working out has been conveniently bypassed. But I’ll come back to that little faux pas in a bit.

Anyway after last weeks Arbonne revelation I decided that this week I was going to get stuck in with getting my coaching business off the ground and be proactive with all my Bee Sober ambassador stuff. Unfortunately my brain didn’t get that memo and just decided that this week it didn’t really want to do a fat lot. Every post I’ve tried to write, every email I’ve wanted to send and every idea I’ve had…all started well and then, nothing. I’ve parked so many things I’m almost out of coins for all the meters I’ve got running!

By hump day I’d all but given up. I’d spent all day helping my Dad decorate the front room, my head felt like it was going to explode by the evening. So much so that I had to cancel my walk with my mate Kass and instead I just crawled into bed at 8.30pm. I thought a good nights sleep would help but I was wrong.

Yesterday I woke up in wobble central. Not been there in a while. I kept tearing up over such small things and all I really wanted to do was nap. All day. I tried to focus on getting all my homework actions up to date from the business course I’m doing with Laura at the moment. The training videos from this week were so good and I really thought I knew exactly what I needed to do. And I did, except when I tried to write I just kept hitting brick walls over and over. Which infuriated me even more and in the midst of a teary rage I suddenly remembered I was still the size of a baby hippo and had failed miserably at doing any form of proper exercise. So in an effort to feel even a tiny sense of accomplishment I joined a gym.

Later that evening I battled on with writing content for my blog. There was something that had been tapping on the inside of my head for a week or so now and I thought by writing about it, it would stop said tapping. But again the words just seemed stuck. Where they’d gotten stuck I don’t know but they just weren’t coming. So I did what any coach does when they feel like they’re going nowhere…they call their own coach.

Laura has already gone above and beyond as a coach and often feels more like a very supportive and reliable friend. I didn’t want to take up too much of her time so I sent her a voice note asking for advice. Considering I started blubbing half way through she managed to figure out what I was saying and gave me some very helpful guidance and we worked through some stuff before I called it a night.

So was today any better? Ummm, it was actually but still far from really productive. I didn’t wake up until 7.30, it’s taken me all day to write this blog post (which isn’t really all that) and I’ve not done much else. BUT I did go to my first gym session in three years…yes, THREE years!

Sometimes even with the best intentions, with our plans all laid out in front of us life just doesn’t play ball. Things get in the way, our energy is off or quite simply we just can’t be arsed. What we need to remember is that a few days of feeling shitty and not getting it done isn’t going to make all that much difference in the long run. Focussing on what didn’t go well is just going to fuel the negativity so instead we need to try and shift that focus on what did go well.

I know it’s easier said then done because I lived in the land of negativity for years and couldn’t see a way out. But I learned to adapt my way of thinking, and although I need a reminder every now and again (we are all human) most of the time I know how to make that mindset shift. It takes patience, practice and perseverance but when you get there it really does take away so much shitty stress that so many of us put ourselves through when we really don’t need to.

If you’ve read this and know exactly where I’m coming from. If you’ve had similar days or weeks of feeling like you’re going nowhere fast and ended up hating on yourself for it. Then rest assured it’s not as bad as you think and I can help you see that too.

And guys!!! I went to the frickin gym! I worked out for a whole hour. AND I enjoyed it.

A positively positive pivot.

I don’t even know where to begin this post. I’m so full of gratitude, excitement, high energy vibes. All that really really good shit. I think I’ll just let the word vomit come out and not over think it. So here goes, get the bucket ready….

At the end of this month I will be changing direction. Well actually same direction, but I’m taking a more direct route. When I came back from India in May and started working with Laura we discussed where I wanted to go with my network marketing business and other goals. My online business was the focus at the time but I’d started toying with another idea and mentioned it to her as something I was considering in the future. And that was that really.

But a lot has changed, particularly in the last couple of weeks. I’ve got exciting new things happening, Laura’s magical powers have taken my vision and mindset up another notch and that future goal has suddenly become my current goal. Which I don’t want to be an annoying tease about but for now I just want to keep it to myself as I still need to figure a few things out.

But this post is mainly to talk to you about my Arbonne business. As of August 31st I will no longer be an Arbonne consultant. If you read my last post you will know that my energy and feelings around Arbonne were ever so slightly off (understatement). My experience was becoming a negative one and I didn’t want to get to a point of having to walk away from the company disgruntled, drained and resentful. My year in this business has had its ups and downs but what I want to be very clear about is that I do not for one second regret my decision to join.

People leave this industry for a lot of reasons. Not being successful is the biggest one. But personally I think that comes down to effort and not giving it enough time. Contrary to what my upline may think I worked my butt off and didn’t see the same kind of progress that others were seeing. And yes, everyone’s journey is their own but it just wasn’t happening for me and I think now I know why.

I think success comes from effort, faith and time. You need to work hard, trust in the process and give it time. But I think there’s one other major factor and that’s alignment. And don’t get me wrong I knew that if I didn’t feel connected to what I was doing on an energy level then not only would it be hard but it wouldn’t have been enjoyable. And for a time I did feel that connection, l really did. But things changed. I changed.

In the last couple of months the growth in my mindset and confidence has given me the courage to go after what I want and to speak my truth (hence the last blog post). But the more that I did this the more disconnected I started to feel from Arbonne. Doing the work became an effort. The vision was fading. And in all honesty it was draining my energy tank. But I’ll say it again, I have absolutely no regrets.

I’ve just had a message from a friend who has described this journey perfectly. It’s a train journey with connections. And my time on the Arbonne train has come to an end so I’m platform hopping and boarding the next one. And that’s just it, I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without my Arbonne journey. You’ll often hear people in Arbonne talk about how life changing the opportunity can be. Well I wholeheartedly agree, except for me it wasn’t the dramatic life change I expected. It changed my life by starting me on my transformation journey. It opened my eyes to possibility, it helped me regain self worth and reminded me that I am enough.

So all I have for this company is gratitude. I am grateful for everything it has taught me, the people it’s brought into my life, the glow up it’s given me and so much more. But ultimately that world just wasn’t for me and I was only ever meant to pass through it and pick up a few things I needed on the way.

So for me now it’s time to board my next train. The destination will be revealed as soon as my train starts moving but for now just know I’m so bloody excited about this and I really hope you’ll stick with me as I move forward on my journey.

I’ll leave you with the wisest of words from my coach, Laura.

“Arbonne is now Argonne”. It was a typo actually but we both enjoyed how it turned out.

Play the tape forward

I hadn’t heard this saying until recently. It’s commonly used in the addiction/recovery world as a technique to make you stop and think when you get an urge or craving to drink. It walks you through the likely stages that will follow on from ‘oh go on, one won’t hurt’. Because with all the good intentions and will power in the world, chances are it won’t just be the one!

I haven’t had that urge yet so I’m yet to play the tape forward in that sense. But it got me thinking that the analogy could be used in a different way. What if rather then play the tape forward on a night out with friends, we play it forward in life?

Let’s say the tape is pretty long, five years long. If you played your life tape forward from this exact point today, what would you see? Where are you? Who’s with you? What are you doing? If you made no changes to your life today, where would you be in 5 years?

When I was in my 20s I had one of those 5-10 year plans. When I got into my 30s my plan hadn’t quite gone to plan. In fact I may have hit rewind rather than play…or at least that’s what it felt like. You see, my plan didn’t materialize because I didn’t do anything to help it. I didn’t look at what I needed to do or what actions I needed to take in order for me to be living the life I desired by my mid 30s. Some things were out of my control but I can see now that most weren’t.

So here I am about to turn 40 but thankfully I have a new plan AND I’ve already set the wheels in motion.

So let me ask you a different way. Do you have goals, ambitions, dreams? Of course you do, everybody does. The likely problem is you might not think they are achievable and that’s not your fault. When we are born our mind is infinite, we believe that anything is possible. Then as we grow older society tells us different. Limits are put on things, doubt is installed and you resign yourself to the fact that you are just not meant for extraordinary. So you settle. Because it’s safer. Less scary. Yawn!

But what if you chose not to settle? What if you believed your dreams were achievable? What if you found a way of to make your life a little less ordinary? Imagine a vehicle sat in your driveway with the engine running and someone is handing you the keys and telling you that said vehicle’s destination is your dream life. Would you grab them, jump in and never look back? Of course you bloody would! But what if all the Karen’s and Susan’s of the world were looking at you with that ‘hmmmm, I’m not sure’ look on their face, telling you that it’s too risky and that you should get your head out of the clouds and just be happy with what you’ve got. What would you do then? Would you listen to them and turn off the engine? Would you let fear stop you? The correct answer here is that you would thank Karen and Susan for their opinion and kindly tell them to fuck off!

No one is going to hand you your dream life, BUT they might hand you the keys. All you have to do is the work to get that car moving. And you also have to dig deep and find that fearless inner child in you. The one who believed anything was possible, the one who wanted to grow up and be an astronaut (yep, me!) and the one who didn’t let the risk of failing stop them dreaming. Remember when you learned to walk? No, me neither. But I’m pretty sure we fell over many times, acquired some bumps and bruises all before we took those magical first steps.

If life continues as is and you play your tape forward can you see the life you hoped for? Now, rewind the tape and imagine being handed those keys. When you hit play this time, what do you see? Keep that picture in your mind, hold onto it and know that it is possible. But it starts with you. It starts with you making a choice. A choice to remain stationary or to start moving.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes *pause*