Posted on by Shaena

Good Morning

Are you one of those annoying morning people?

I am.

I never used to be though.

When you decide that waking up with a pounding head, a mouth as dry as the Gobi desert (Sahara is so overrated) and eyes that resemble those of Ren from Ren and Stimpy, is no longer fun; it changes things.

Sobriety gives you many things in life. But for me one of the most precious, was time.

Now obviously we all have the same amount of time. But drinking stole so much of mine that now I have a full 24 hours back I try not to waste it.

Which means….I’m now an annoying morning person.

What does that mean? Well, for starters I (try and) wake up by 7am. I think the key here is I try and wake up at least half an hour before my normal daily life starts to give myself the time to do the following things…

1. Meditation. Yeah that thing where you try to be all zen but are already thinking about what you’re having for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It comes with practice, it doesn’t have to be perfect and you need to find what works for you. But when you do that even just 5mins in the morning to calm and still your mind is a game changer. Trust me!

2. Gratitude – being grateful for a roof over your head, varying temperatures of clean water and money in your bank account is a good start. But go deep, get detailed. Find something to be grateful for even when it looks shit at surface level. Louis (my dog) is currently waking me every night between 12 and 2 to go out for a garden adventure disguised as a midnight wee. Not ideal. But I’m grateful he barks to wake me instead of me being greeted with a puddle in the kitchen every morning.

3. Affirm your awesomeness – affirmations for the non converted sound like the biggest piss take but they’re not. They’re basically ways to trick your mind and they’ve been proven to work. So try them. Tell yourself things you might not believe fully but want to be true. Rinse and repeat daily and see your positivity bloom. My nonnegotiable ones are ‘I am worthy, I am capable, I am deserving and I am enough.’

4. Move – whether it be stretching, yoga, a Mr Motivater style workout or going out for a run (weirdo). In the words of Marshall Jefferson…Move your body!

5. Read – this is my favourite part. Not just because I love to read but also because first thing in the morning you really absorb the words on the page. This is why a good personal development or something you can learn from is a great thing to read. I’m currently reading the Bhagavad Gita which is a Hindu scripture. The Hindu version of the bible so to speak. I’m not a very religious person but this has some really incredible spiritual learnings so I’m fascinated by it and a few pages every morning sets me up for the day.

I was in a clubhouse chat room the other day and the topic was morning rituals for optimal well-being. People were sharing lots of tips and advice. What works for them etc. And someone mentioned ‘awakening your senses’ and I loved the idea of that.

After what is hopefully a good nights sleep, waking up with a bang is probably not what you need. I’m not sure shocking you’re system into being awake is a good idea. Be kind and gentle and allow your body to wake up with a sense of calm.

Think of the times when you oversleep and then you bound out of bed, running around trying to play catch up. Your day tends to follow a frantic and chaotic pattern.

When you wake up calmly and slowly and allow your body to stir gently and awaken the senses, the day that follows will have a better chance of being productive, organised and aligned.

This is not to say you can’t have a high energy and excitable day. If I need this I opt for 80s style aerobics over yoga stretches. And I sing my affirmations to myself. Seriously…I do! My day then unfolds as a slightly more upbeat affair and I have a little spring in my step.

I don’t think being a morning person has to mean you get up at the crack of dawn. But I do think it means giving yourself time to prepare yourself for the day ahead.

Much like tuning an instrument before the big concert. Or warming yourself up before a big run. Giving yourself half an hour first thing in the morning to set the tone for your day and you’ll soon know what it’s like to be a morning person.

And then you can annoy the fuck out of everyone else!

Posted on by Shaena

Last Christmas…

I was mostly drunk. This year, to save me from tears I’ll give it a try being sober.

No, but really…this year is going to be different for so many reasons. Clearly there’s the obvious festive corona in the air but that’s actually not having a massive impact on my Christmas.

This year not only will it be my first ever sober Christmas since I was 17 years old….a whole 23 years ago! But it will also be my first Christmas at home with both my Mum and Dad since 2008.

I really do feel for all the people who won’t get the Christmas they planned or hoped for but I’ve not had a Christmas like this for a while so I can’t bloody wait.

But I have been there, Christmas alone, family miles (and miles) away, mental health wavering and a very sad looking Christmas tree with maybe one or two presents under it. Some years I got through it okay, some years I got through it…but only just.

It’s a weird one for me because there were years when I loved being able to do Christmas my way. No schedule to stick to, no pressure in the kitchen and being able to watch whatever I wanted on tv. But there were other years where I was really flat. I’d miss my family who were been celebrating on the other side of the world, I’d struggle seeing all my friends on social media enjoying the day with their loved ones and even though deep down I knew it was just another day, sometime years Christmas alone was really shitty.

So for all of you NOT spending it completely alone this year hear me out for a second. Because you can make somebody else’s Christmas a little less shitty. Maybe you can’t have everyone you wanted over for the day. Or maybe you’ve had to cancel your plans and it’s going to be more subdued then you’d originally hoped. Whatever changes you’ve had to make just take a few moments to think about someone who will be alone. Completely alone.

They might not need an invite. They probably don’t want a fuss. They will most likely tell you that they’ll be fine. But just a few messages or a quick phone call to check in on them can make a whole world of difference. I remember that I would get a fair few invites the weeks leading up to Christmas Day. But then on the actual day, nobody really sent anything more then the blanket ‘Merry Christmas’ text. I didn’t really want to be part of someone else’s family Christmas so personally I chose to be alone. But, that didn’t mean I wanted to be forgotten.

Loneliness is tough at the best of times. But over the holidays it just hits harder. And this year…well, I can only imagine how some people are going to be feeling. I think the best thing everyone can do this year is to be mindful. Be mindful of your actions, your thoughts, what you post on social media. Be mindful of what others are doing, feeling and saying.

So yes, that’s my message…

Have a mindful Christmas everyone.

Posted on by Shaena

Life in an Elevator

Doesn’t it suck when you make friends with people and there’s a really good connection. You’ve even declared them bridesmaid or best man at your imaginary wedding and then suddenly they start drifting away and your standing on the river bank waving them off with a hanky.

I’ve never been very good at losing mates. When I make friends with people I invest a lot of my time, energy and emotions into the friendship. Hello, my name is Shaena and I’m an Empath 🙋🏽‍♀️! So when the friendships ends, fades away or we can no longer see each other I really feel it.

Recently though, as upsetting as I find it (with some more than others) I’ve looked at it from a different perspective. They say (who ‘they’ is I’m not entirely sure) that everyone in your life has a role. A purpose if you like. Some might have stuck around your entire lifetime to carry out that purpose. Others, will serve you and leave.

What’s not always clear is what that purpose is or was. I know for me I’m too busy trying to understand the ending to see the lesson I’ve learned from that person throughout our relationship. In other words we focus on the negative because us humans are such miserable sods, that we often miss what we’ve gained because we are too busy looking at what we lost.

As you may have guessed I’m going through this ‘loss’ at the moment and in trying to understand why I need to accept it I came up with an analogy. If you’ve been following my blog or have read any of my previous you’d posts you’ll know this girl loves an analogy.

Ok so, let’s say everyone of us has an elevator. The elevator is our life journey from birth to death. Whether you are going up or down is a whole other analogy but for arguments the elevator starts at ground (birth) and is going up.

Now your elevator, has a maximum capacity. Everyone’s elevator has a different maximum capacity and like any ordinary elevator that maximum is either in total number of people or weight; which ever maxes out first.

So the way I have decided to look at it is that as you are going up in your elevator there are different people with you in said elevator. Some from the ground floor all the way up and others enter and leave on different floors and remain in your elevator for differing durations. Some might even hop off on the 12th floor and then jump back in a few floors up. Like my best mate Claire from primary school. We drifted when we went to different senior schools but Claire and I reconnected a few years ago and she’s still in my elevator with me now, almost 30 years later!

So as you can see not everyone can stay with us for our entire journey. There just isn’t enough room. I think we get something from each person that joins us but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be a good thing. Or at least not at the time. For example at the end of a romantic relationship you may have be suffering with heartbreak but you might also have learned more about what you want from a relationship. Or you might experience something with that person that you might not have had you not met them and this something might be something you benefit from later in life.

People are going to get into your elevator and they might stay for a while or they might jump off after two floors. You may want them gone, you may not. But what I’ve learned the hard way is that you have to let them go. Because if they exit and you are still holding onto them somehow, you are probably not going to notice the other person who just joined you on the next floor up. Also they might get stuck between floors and all of a sudden you’ve got a blood bath and murder charge on your hands and nobody needs that. Life is stressful enough!

Keeping hold of something or someone that is no longer serving you is taking away your time and energy from something else. You might not know what that something else is, but I’m pretty sure it’s waiting. If you fall out with a friend, go through a break up or lose someone for good you are of course allowed to miss them and feel sad; but don’t let it consume you to the point that you are missing out on living your life. Don’t be pining for your ex for too long because your soulmate might be right there and you’re too busy crying into your pillow every night to notice. Don’t try and cling onto friends that don’t have time for you anymore. If the connection is there, they’ll be back later I’m sure.

So have a look around you, see who’s in your elevator. Are you holding onto someone that you should probably let go of? Maybe your elevator feels a bit empty and you could do with letting a few people in? And one last thing. If there is someone who is taking up space and you really wish they would sod off. Maybe they have bad hygiene problems, maybe they are a racist bigot, or maybe you just don’t like them. Then you have every right to boot them off at the next floor.

Your elevator. Your life!

Posted on by Shaena

The Asian Equation

Do you know what’s worse than being a single woman in her 40s who lives at home with her parents, has mental health issues and an alcohol problem? A single woman in her 40s who lives at home with her parents, has mental health issues, an alcohol problem AND is Indian.

I mean when I look at my life situation it’s almost laughable. Single, never married, lives at home with her parents, unsuccessful career, ugly mental health history, ex-problem drinker gone sober, not a penny to her name…the list goes on.

I think I’ve been the talk of our sad little town since the day I brought home by first boyfriend at the age of 17, who by the way just happened to be white. Any of you who know my family now will be confused as to why this was an issue but life in our household was very different 20 odd years ago.

Anyway the details of that are irrelevant. My point is in the eyes of many I was the epitome of the black sheep. The failure. The shameful embarrassment. I often joked that if people were going to talk about me I’d give them something to talk about. I clearly didn’t think that would be the case but that bleeding universe is always listening and I obviously manifested my sad and pathetic fate.

Before I go on this has nothing to do with judgement from my parents. My Mum and Dad could not be more supportive if they tried. In the early days the choices me and my sisters made were a bit different then they would have initially hoped for. But they wanted for nothing more than our happiness so they supported us in everything.

I grew up like most people with the pressure of society weighing down heavy on shoulders. Do well at school, go to university, get a good job, get married, buy a house and give your parents some grandkids. I think we can all agree that this is a load of crap. But if you are anything like me you will have thought that but still kinda wanted it anyway. Now for me I had the added joy of being Indian. So take all of the stuff that society expects, stick brackets around them and there you have it, the Asian equation.

Now the theory behind this is two fold. Do what is expected but do it better than most. And do it the Indian way. As second generation immigrants we come from families that worked hard to give us the best start in life in a country that was not home. My parents wanted us to do well because they knew that as British Asians we would need to work that extra bit harder in order to be seen amongst our white peers. But the unspoken rules in most Indian families is to maintain your cultural traditions, go to university but come straight home after, find a respectable job and then get married to someone who is suitable, have children and don’t be the subject of any gossip. The End. This is obviously just a very short generalised version but in most cases not far from the truth.

I did not do that. I was not expected to do that. But that doesn’t mean the stigma didn’t exist. I think the worst part for me was perhaps I didn’t care what other people thought but I did care about what people may have been saying about my family; specifically my parents. There would have been rumours and gossip when me and my sisters all went off back packing on our own, when my sister married her white Australian husband, when we all moved overseas. Asian girls don’t do that sort of thing you see.

But even then my parents were proud of us. We were doing seemingly well, following what we through were our dreams and not causing too much of a nuisance. But black sheep Shaena over here decided it was time to shake things up a bit and what followed was ten years of hell for them and the rest of my family. My struggles with mental health started in my early 20s but I’d managed to keep them fairly under control. Things took a sharp turn when I was in Australia after I went through some difficult shit that my head and heart just couldn’t cope with. From that day on and for the next 8 years things were not pretty.

I’ve talked about my suicide attempts, hospital admissions, alcohol abuse before. I don’t hide away from it, I see no use in that. It may seem I talk about everything like it’s no big deal. It of course is. It’s a huge deal but I also know that it is way more common than you might think. Sometimes when we find ourselves drowning we think we are so far out at sea we can’t be saved. We don’t see the lifelines, in fact in some cases we don’t want to see them. We are drowning and we just think it might be easier to stop treading water, give in and sink.

You might be reading this thinking surely didn’t have it that bad. I didn’t. I know that, but when you are in the middle of all your failures, bad decisions, mistakes; feeling alone and insignificant, it is one hell of a horrible place. You can’t see past any of it and the voices inside your head won’t let you forget about. You spend the entire time trying to numb the pain and shut out the noise. It’s a bloody tiring past time I tell you.

The stigma around mental health however hard we try to erase it, still exists. More than we like to admit. Yes we talk about it more openly, but that doesn’t mean some people just don’t get it. And sadly, in Asian culture it’s still very much a taboo subject. I don’t know the exact reasons why but I think like most things not spoken about in our culture it comes down to shame. For a long time I’ve never really understood this but I realised today it’s always about one thing. Your marriage material rating.

I don’t think people would admit to it in this day and age but one of the biggest priorities in Asian culture is marriage. As a female that means you should ideally have the following:

• A good education;

• An aesthetically pleasing look (sorry, but it’s true!).

• A respectable family background (no skeletons).

• A good set of Indian culinary skills.

• An understanding of cultural traditions.

• A decent job.

These are just a few of the things that are taken into consideration. There are more of course and the importance of these will vary amongst families and communities. I am lucky, my family are more concerned with ‘is this person the right fit for you?’, and not ‘is this person the right fit for us?’ This does not however take away from the fact that in my culture this is what people look at and think about even if they don’t want to admit it.

So back to mental health; well I don’t think mentally unstable bodes well for matrimonial purposes. You might think I’m over reacting but I kid you not, if someone is known to have mental health issues they are looked upon as a bit crazy and no one wants that in the family because they will be the talk of the town. So that’s one black mark against me. And the drinking? Well, it’s not prohibited but it’s certainly not ideal if you’re a big party animal. Females drink, but mostly they do this discreetly and stick to lady like drinks. So to have a drinking problem well, that’s not just a black mark against my name, nah that’s just my name painted over in tar!

Thing is I don’t care about all this stuff. I’m not looking for a nice Indian family to marry into. I’m not looking for any family to marry into at all. In fact, it was the looking for things that triggered the mental health and alcohol issues. Looking to fit in (in a general sense), looking for acceptance, looking for love and looking for happiness. Looking for things outside of yourself leads is futile. It’s taken me a while and a shit tonne of pain and heartache (not just my own) to realise this. If you feel like something is missing, like there’s something more to find then stop for a minute and look inside yourself. There are lots of ways to do this and I have tried many of them. However this is not the post to discuss that. This is about me and my reign as Stigma Queen.

STIGMA (noun) – A mark disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person.

Who decided what is a disgrace and what isn’t? Who decided that not having a successful career, being unmarried by 40, not having kids, still living at home, who decided this was a disgrace? Who had the audacity to decide that mental illness, addiction, debt and the like is a disgrace? Clearly this is not the fault of a single person; instead its years and years of people’s opinions as to what is acceptable and what is not. It is also the result of a ‘them and us’ mentality, which we know is still very prevalent today.

This subject area is so big that I don’t know where it starts and ends. For me it started at a very young age. And it has gone on for too long. But it ends here and it ends now. Because for every black mark against my name is a story. A story, a lesson learned and a path forged. But it’s my story, my lesson and a path on my frickin journey so the rest of my community and the rest of the world can think whatever the f*ck they want.

Posted on by Shaena

A week of firsts

Last Monday I got up at the glorious time of 4am, packed up the car and set off for a week in sunny Scotland. Yes, sunny! We didn’t have a single drop of rain the entire week! Also we being, me and my parents. It was to be a week of firsts; my first sober holiday, my first sober birthday and my first long distance drive in over a year.

So, how was it? In a word; perfect. I honestly have nothing whatsoever to moan about. I wouldn’t change any of it…well except for maybe the amount of cake I ate. But what’s a birthday week without three kinds of cake hey? Gym workouts will be resuming tomorrow!

Aside from the stunning cottage we stayed in (Boltholecottage – highly recommend) the week was spent in the most beautiful of surroundings. We were literally staying at the top off what I can only describe as a very steep dirt track and there didn’t seem to be anything around us except fields and sheep. We didn’t do much while we were there. Seriously, we really didn’t. We went out for lunch a few times in nearby towns and I went for a walk one of the afternoons. That was it. The rest of the time was sat relaxing in front of the log fire and just enjoying our time together. And you know what? It was perfect.

My birthday lunch was a slightly fancy affair as we dined in the Clubhouse at Gleneagles golf resort. Funnily enough though as lovely as that meal was our other two lunches were just as good if not a bit better and I got to wear my converse and hoody, so you know…comfort over everything. 🤷🏽‍♀️😂

A few years ago I always imagined I’d be on holiday for my 40th. Somewhere sunny, a wine glass next to me for most of the day that mysteriously never found itself empty. With friends or if I couldnt find any friends, on my own. For the last few birthdays I am ashamed to admit that I did whatever I could to not spend too much of my birthday with my parents. Why? So I could drink as much as I wanted to without the glaring eyes of disappointment and judgment. Sad, isn’t it?

It was around April that I knew this time sobriety was not a phase. I thought about my birthday and how I would celebrate the big 4-0. The thought of not being able to drink did not bother me as much as I had thought it would. I had accepted that an alcohol free life was what lay ahead so if I’m honest I didn’t really make any big plans. At the time I did not foresee that the pandemic was still going to be playing such a part in our daily lives so I just thought I would do something low key with my friends or maybe just hang out with my parents.

Then sometime in June we were discussing holidays and how we’d had such a nice week at my friend’s caravan in Abersoch last year. My Dad started talking about how he really enjoyed previous visits to Scotland and had always wanted to go back; only now he didn’t think he was capable of doing such a long drive. So I said to him, ‘why don’t we go and I can drive?’. Nothing was set in stone and the subject just faded into the background for a few weeks until my Mum asked me if I had thought about what I wanted to do for my birthday. With us only just coming out of lockdown I told her I wasn’t too bothered about it and we could do something just the three of us. So she suggested that we look at going to Scotland for it if that was something I would like to do. Well, obviously I loved the idea and wasted no time at all in finding accommodation for us.

After that life just got busy for a few months. I had a lot going on with my business, training courses and voluntary work. And then all of a sudden holiday week came around and we were tootling along the M6 bound for Scotland.

My Dad started the drive but I took over around around Preston and drove the rest of the way. We of course stopped off a couple of time; once for breakfast and then again in Lockerbie. It wasn’t until we were a good 50 odd miles into Scottish roads that I realised I hadn’t driven for more than half an hour in almost a year. Not only that but I hadn’t been on the motorway for even longer than that AND I was now driving my parents new car. This probably doesn’t sound like a big deal and to be honest it wasn’t in the general sense. But for me it was about trusting myself behind the wheel, knowing there was no way I was over the limit and for the first time in so long I was just able to enjoy the drive.

So there you have it, my week of sober and hangover free firsts. A holiday, a birthday and a very long drive; survived and unscathed. Next up, Christmas!

Posted on by Shaena

Mental illness, medication and me.

Today, a friend posted on Instagram about her recent struggles and how her mental health has deteriorated enough to warrant new medication. She was already taking anti anxiety meds and how now been put on an anti-depressant of sorts; I know this because I’ve been prescribed both in the past. Anyway having only known her a short time I have seen how she’s gone from being quite guarded about her struggles with alcohol and her mental health to opening up and sharing her journey in such a brave and beautiful way.

On the flip side I was talking to another one of my new sober pals this week and she was telling me about how bad her anxiety gets. I have suffered from anxiety in the past but nowhere near as severe as this. It made me sad for her. Knowing that your thoughts can become so intrusive and debilitating that you start to believe the most ridiculous things that then impact your daily life. Anxiety is not just getting stressed and worrying, it can be so much bigger and scarier then that. When I asked her if she had seen her GP about it, she said she was worried they would think she was crazy. I didn’t like that she would even consider using those words but then I remembered how I often used to call myself crazy when I was with friends. It was a way to make light of something that was actually pretty frightening and serious.

Anyway the point of this post is to actually tell you about my experience with mental health and medication. I’ve been on and off medication for about the last 10 years or so. I’ve been on a variety of different things, mostly antidepressants, occasionally meds for my anxiety and once I was even on a lovely cocktail of stuff for my depression, panic attacks and insomnia. Over the years my thoughts on taking medication for my mental health has varied. There are times when I’ve been prescribed something and been reluctant to take it. Times when I’ve been so desperate for some sort of respite for my mind and haven’t given my prescription a second thought. Almost every time though, when I have gotten to the point of stability, when my moods are less turbulent I’ve always slowly come off what ever I was taking. I think the reasons were based on a mix of the physical affects of the medication but also the idea of having to be on them.

I have been on my current meds for a little over 2 years now. I am taking Sertraline and up until last month I was on the maximum dose. Now bearing in mind that they probably weren’t even doing what they should have been doing while I was drinking, I’ve probably only really had the full benefits for the past 6 months. Still, I made the decision last month that I wanted to start decreasing my dose with the hope that eventually I will not need them. That was until a few days ago.

Glennon Doyle was someone I hadn’t heard of until earlier this year when I saw the front cover of her new book, Untamed plastered all over instagram. At first I thought it was just another quit-lit type affair which I’m not against but doesn’t quite float my boat all that much; so I didn’t really think anything of it. But more and more people were declaring it a ‘must read’, so last week I used one of my free credits and got the audible version. The verdict: not quit-lit, but instead a compilation of stories and life lessons which I think most of us would benefit from hearing about. There was a little too much motherhood talk in there; which obviously is no bad thing but just not something I can really relate to. Some people think it’s a bit heavy on religion but that part didn’t bother me, in fact I love learning about people’s faiths because I’m a bit weird like that. Anyway the point I am trying to get to is she talks about her mental health and medication. She made a really good point in that why would we decide to stop using something that is making us feel better. Surely the point is that it’s working and to stop it would leave you at risk of suffering again. This made me think about the times I’d come off my medication after months of feeling better only to relapse and sometimes find myself in even worse of a situation.

One thing I want to make clear is that I’m not someone who would opt for medication if there are other options. The idea of filling my body with chemicals I know very little about doesn’t bode well with me. And don’t worry the irony of that statement isn’t lost on me, I clearly didn’t include alcohol in that category for many years. But I live in different times now and having removed one of the biggest toxins from my life I am much more cautious about the other things that go into my body. So I am very much open to healing of a different nature and undergo regular reiki therapy courtesy of my lovely Dad and I practice meditation. And of course there’s what I believe to be one of the best medicines out there; the art of conversation. Therapy is in my opinion underrated and should be considered by everyone whether they think they need it or not. I think people would be pleasantly surprised by the benefits of talking to someone about their life, even if just to use the other person as a sounding board.

Basically what I think I’m trying to say is that don’t see medication as too much of a big deal when it comes to mental health. If you have tried alternatives and have seen little improvement then just be open to the idea. At least go and talk to the GP about it. They can’t force you to take anything and even I on many occasions have come home with a prescription and never had the medication dispensed because I’ve decided against it. So whilst I don’t think my mental health has ever been this good I have decided that I will stay on my lower dose for the time being…and possibly forever. Because right now, that coupled with the other things I do seems to be working really well. So I see no reason to change it.

Posted on by Shaena

The good, the bad and the…decide for yourself.

Are you thinking about network marketing? Have you been approached by people to join their team and company so you can build a business and become financially free? Or maybe you’re already involved but new to the game and are trying to suss things out.

Getting an honest account about network marketing can be difficult. There are the clear haters out there who have so much venom in their blood when it comes to anything MLM, you’d think that they’d been forced to sell their organs when in fact a lot of them haven’t even been involved. Then there are the ‘this business will change your life’ types. Who for the most part really do think it will because for them it probably has. But obviously it’s not as straightforward as they might make out.

Having recently stepped out of the MLM arena I wanted to share my experience and give you some pros and cons so you can take these into consideration when choosing to jump in…or jump out. The thoughts and opinions that follow are from three ex consultants (myself included) who were all within the same company. Myself and Ella joined I think at about the same time and were in the same wider team. As was Lauren (not her real name) although she had joined a few months before we did. This post is purely for guidance and advice and something we ourselves would have found useful before we stepped in.

WHY?

You’ll be asked this question over and over. What is your why? Why are you here? Why do you want this? Now this is a very important question because it isn’t easy so when the going gets tough you need a pretty solid reason to keep pushing you through. However, when you are struggling or your business isn’t growing as well as you’d like you might also be told that your why isn’t big enough. That your why should make you cry. When you first hear this it’s powerful and it’s a great motivator. But just be mindful that your reasons to be there are your reasons. You don’t need to change them to suit anybody but yourself.

OPINIONS OF OTHERS

This is a really hard one. And I personally think, and I know Ella and Lauren agree that you really need to shut off the outside noise. Everyone is going to have an opinion or a bit of advice when you join. You’ll be told by your mentors that these people and their opinions won’t pay your bills so don’t listen to them. That is of course true, but I think what I would suggest is that you gather as much genuine and factual evidence that you can. Find out the source of these opinions, do your research but ultimately go with your gut. If something doesn’t sit right with you or you’re unsure, then hold off. Wait until you are really sure. Because you’ll be told not to wait, what’s the big deal, it’s not even a big risk. But once you’re in things change very quickly. So just jump in if and when YOU want to.

STAY GROUNDED

No matter what you see, hear or experience. Keep your feet fully on the ground at all times. We cannot stress how important this is. The lifestyle that is offered is by no means out of reach and it is the stuff of dreams. Big massive fuck off dreams. But take one foot of the ground even slightly and you will get swept up in it all. Your ego will take over and before you know it you’ll have forgotten your ‘why’ and will see nothing more than fancy brunch meetings, taking selfies from your poolside ‘office’, walking the stage at annual conferences, flashy cars and 5 star holidays. Don’t get me wrong, that shit can and does happen…but only for a small perecentage. I’m talking less than 2%. Yep….really! And here’s why…

THE LEVEL PLAYING FIELD

It looks level. They tell you it’s level. But it’s only really level on the surface. You can absolutely promote above your sponsor and anyone else above you because you can obviously make more sales and build a bigger team than them. BUT, the important factor I didn’t take into account (because I was told numerous times it wasn’t an issue) is your existing network of people when you join. We were told that our warm network was the best place to start for reaching out about the business and the products. By warm they mean, not your nearest and dearest but friends of friends, old acquaintances, people you see from time to time, the waitress you are always chatting to in your local coffee shop, your nail lady. Now it sounds cringey as hell but at the end of the day the business model does work and you never know who will benefit from the business or the products unless you ask. However if your warm network are not at all interested this is when the playing field starts to slope.

Going off my experience I joined when I had recently left my full time job, I had a fairly non existent social circle and I really didn’t have that many people to reach out to. So, after annoying my warm network for several months I had to go wider. And for me that meant total strangers, which again isn’t a bad thing but building up a relationship with someone new takes time so to avoid being spammy Sammy you can’t just shove the business in someone’s face as soon as you start chatting. So my advice is take a look at your network. If you are living a socialite life in a big city you will probably get off to a good start. If not, you can still make it work but be prepared for it to take longer and potentially reduce your sleeping hours to 5 hours a night.

IT WORKS IF YOU WORK

Sorry but I call bullshit. I personally worked my ass off and for me things just didn’t take off. Yes I had clients, yes I had interest in the business but ultimately it wasn’t enough. So you can put in all the effort you want but if you don’t come across the right kind of people, aren’t in the position financially to buy products for your own use as well as for people to try at product parties etc then you are already heading towards struggle town. They will tell you luck doesn’t come into it, but I’m afraid it does. I am sure every successful consultant paid their dues and put in some serious hustle but the second you have got an instagram profile that is influencer worthy and you can be seen dining in high end restaurants, holidaying on yachts then of course people will want what you have. And the strangers you personally reach out to are likely to watch from the sidelines for a while and inevitably go join a more successful looking consultant.

I WILL GUIDE YOU

This one is a funny one and I can’t say it was something that I was told. But I see a lot of consultants telling people that it doesn’t matter if they don’t understand how it all works or if they’ve never been involved in sales because they will ‘hold your hand’ and guide you every step of the way. This may happen in some teams, it did not happen in mine. Did I receive training and guidance, yes absolutely. Did anyone hold my hand, ummm not quite.

Not long after I joined the wider team WhatsApp group was restricted so only those who were admins in the group could post in the group. As a new consultant who obviously had lots of questions to ask this was a bit frustrating and I know I wasn’t the only one who thought this. We were also told that we should direct questions to our 3 way chat with our sponsor and mentor. This may have worked for some but my sponsor was based in Australia and my mentor very rarely read the messages let alone had time to respond. So when you needed a prompt answer the big group was ideal, but only for the admins. And in order to become an admin you had to have promoted to the first level. Yes I know, alarm bells should have been ringing at this point. Wait, it gets better. After chatting to a few of the other new consultants I thought it might be nice to start our own WhatsApp group so we could at least support each other and bounce ideas off of one another. This group was kindly reported to the head mistress…sorry I mean my mentor and she gave me a call to basically tell me off. At this point the alarm bell was being bashed against my head and yet I still continued.

Lauren makes a good point in that you were only really ever contacted directly by your mentor to see if you had signed up the latest training, booked in enough product parties etc. And Ella was told by her mentor that as she wasn’t reaching out to 50 new people a day she wasn’t worth giving the time and support to. What I think is evident is that the relationship you have with you mentor and upline makes a huge difference. I clearly didn’t have the best relationship with mine because when I asked if she would do an instagram live with me to help promote the business she declined and told me they were a waste of time. But I also know there are some excellent mentors out there. Approachable, supportive and don’t make you feel like just another number. Find them and you are edging closer to that 2% already.

If you have got this far I applaud your commitment. And you are probably wondering if there’s anything good about network marketing or if it’s all a big lie. It’s not, it can work and I know consultants that are killing it. In fact there are consultants I connected with when I started who were also new to the game and they are not only doing well but they are genuinely lovely people who I am still in touch with now. And Lauren also agrees that you really can meet some incredible people and build some fantastic friendships.

But our biggest contender in the positive corner is the self development journey you will go on. You will be encouraged to read and absorb as much personal growth material you can and I think that all three of us will say that none of this is a waste of time. How can it be? Working on your mindset, gaining perspective, thinking outside of the box and opening up your mind is never going to be a bad thing. You will learn things about yourself that will change the game. Whether that’s the game of network marketing or just the game in general. Either are respectable. For all three of us we learned enough to know that the company we were with was not for us. But we also learned a lot from our time with that company and that has allowed us to go in different directions which may not have happened had we not dipped our toe into network marketing at all.

So I think it’s safe to say none of us regret our decision to join. Nor do we regret our decision to leave. It was just a stepping stone in our journey that we are grateful for, each with our own reasons.

I write this post in the hope that someone reads it and takes the advice on board. It might just get lost in the blogging blackhole or it may find its way to someone who is struggling to decide and just needs some first hand knowledge.

Thank you and goodnight!

Posted on by Shaena

And it was all going so well…

Don’t you just hate it when things are going so well and all of a sudden, out of nowhere life, the universe, whatever you want to call it puts a stop to it? And it’s even worse when you have no explanation for it? Like, I seriously don’t have time for this bullshit. This week was meant to be full of productivity and progress, instead it’s been a bit like mouldy cheese. That might be the worst analogy ever but I think you know what I’m getting at.

For a start my early mornings haven’t been as early as I’d like and come to think of it my sleep has been a little bit disturbed lately too. So because my day has been starting later, I’ve been skipping bits of my morning routine just so I don’t get too behind with other things. And as a result that 30min slot I’d allocated for working out has been conveniently bypassed. But I’ll come back to that little faux pas in a bit.

Anyway after last weeks Arbonne revelation I decided that this week I was going to get stuck in with getting my coaching business off the ground and be proactive with all my Bee Sober ambassador stuff. Unfortunately my brain didn’t get that memo and just decided that this week it didn’t really want to do a fat lot. Every post I’ve tried to write, every email I’ve wanted to send and every idea I’ve had…all started well and then, nothing. I’ve parked so many things I’m almost out of coins for all the meters I’ve got running!

By hump day I’d all but given up. I’d spent all day helping my Dad decorate the front room, my head felt like it was going to explode by the evening. So much so that I had to cancel my walk with my mate Kass and instead I just crawled into bed at 8.30pm. I thought a good nights sleep would help but I was wrong.

Yesterday I woke up in wobble central. Not been there in a while. I kept tearing up over such small things and all I really wanted to do was nap. All day. I tried to focus on getting all my homework actions up to date from the business course I’m doing with Laura at the moment. The training videos from this week were so good and I really thought I knew exactly what I needed to do. And I did, except when I tried to write I just kept hitting brick walls over and over. Which infuriated me even more and in the midst of a teary rage I suddenly remembered I was still the size of a baby hippo and had failed miserably at doing any form of proper exercise. So in an effort to feel even a tiny sense of accomplishment I joined a gym.

Later that evening I battled on with writing content for my blog. There was something that had been tapping on the inside of my head for a week or so now and I thought by writing about it, it would stop said tapping. But again the words just seemed stuck. Where they’d gotten stuck I don’t know but they just weren’t coming. So I did what any coach does when they feel like they’re going nowhere…they call their own coach.

Laura has already gone above and beyond as a coach and often feels more like a very supportive and reliable friend. I didn’t want to take up too much of her time so I sent her a voice note asking for advice. Considering I started blubbing half way through she managed to figure out what I was saying and gave me some very helpful guidance and we worked through some stuff before I called it a night.

So was today any better? Ummm, it was actually but still far from really productive. I didn’t wake up until 7.30, it’s taken me all day to write this blog post (which isn’t really all that) and I’ve not done much else. BUT I did go to my first gym session in three years…yes, THREE years!

Sometimes even with the best intentions, with our plans all laid out in front of us life just doesn’t play ball. Things get in the way, our energy is off or quite simply we just can’t be arsed. What we need to remember is that a few days of feeling shitty and not getting it done isn’t going to make all that much difference in the long run. Focussing on what didn’t go well is just going to fuel the negativity so instead we need to try and shift that focus on what did go well.

I know it’s easier said then done because I lived in the land of negativity for years and couldn’t see a way out. But I learned to adapt my way of thinking, and although I need a reminder every now and again (we are all human) most of the time I know how to make that mindset shift. It takes patience, practice and perseverance but when you get there it really does take away so much shitty stress that so many of us put ourselves through when we really don’t need to.

If you’ve read this and know exactly where I’m coming from. If you’ve had similar days or weeks of feeling like you’re going nowhere fast and ended up hating on yourself for it. Then rest assured it’s not as bad as you think and I can help you see that too.

And guys!!! I went to the frickin gym! I worked out for a whole hour. AND I enjoyed it.

Posted on by Shaena

A positively positive pivot.

I don’t even know where to begin this post. I’m so full of gratitude, excitement, high energy vibes. All that really really good shit. I think I’ll just let the word vomit come out and not over think it. So here goes, get the bucket ready….

At the end of this month I will be changing direction. Well actually same direction, but I’m taking a more direct route. When I came back from India in May and started working with Laura we discussed where I wanted to go with my network marketing business and other goals. My online business was the focus at the time but I’d started toying with another idea and mentioned it to her as something I was considering in the future. And that was that really.

But a lot has changed, particularly in the last couple of weeks. I’ve got exciting new things happening, Laura’s magical powers have taken my vision and mindset up another notch and that future goal has suddenly become my current goal. Which I don’t want to be an annoying tease about but for now I just want to keep it to myself as I still need to figure a few things out.

But this post is mainly to talk to you about my Arbonne business. As of August 31st I will no longer be an Arbonne consultant. If you read my last post you will know that my energy and feelings around Arbonne were ever so slightly off (understatement). My experience was becoming a negative one and I didn’t want to get to a point of having to walk away from the company disgruntled, drained and resentful. My year in this business has had its ups and downs but what I want to be very clear about is that I do not for one second regret my decision to join.

People leave this industry for a lot of reasons. Not being successful is the biggest one. But personally I think that comes down to effort and not giving it enough time. Contrary to what my upline may think I worked my butt off and didn’t see the same kind of progress that others were seeing. And yes, everyone’s journey is their own but it just wasn’t happening for me and I think now I know why.

I think success comes from effort, faith and time. You need to work hard, trust in the process and give it time. But I think there’s one other major factor and that’s alignment. And don’t get me wrong I knew that if I didn’t feel connected to what I was doing on an energy level then not only would it be hard but it wouldn’t have been enjoyable. And for a time I did feel that connection, l really did. But things changed. I changed.

In the last couple of months the growth in my mindset and confidence has given me the courage to go after what I want and to speak my truth (hence the last blog post). But the more that I did this the more disconnected I started to feel from Arbonne. Doing the work became an effort. The vision was fading. And in all honesty it was draining my energy tank. But I’ll say it again, I have absolutely no regrets.

I’ve just had a message from a friend who has described this journey perfectly. It’s a train journey with connections. And my time on the Arbonne train has come to an end so I’m platform hopping and boarding the next one. And that’s just it, I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without my Arbonne journey. You’ll often hear people in Arbonne talk about how life changing the opportunity can be. Well I wholeheartedly agree, except for me it wasn’t the dramatic life change I expected. It changed my life by starting me on my transformation journey. It opened my eyes to possibility, it helped me regain self worth and reminded me that I am enough.

So all I have for this company is gratitude. I am grateful for everything it has taught me, the people it’s brought into my life, the glow up it’s given me and so much more. But ultimately that world just wasn’t for me and I was only ever meant to pass through it and pick up a few things I needed on the way.

So for me now it’s time to board my next train. The destination will be revealed as soon as my train starts moving but for now just know I’m so bloody excited about this and I really hope you’ll stick with me as I move forward on my journey.

I’ll leave you with the wisest of words from my coach, Laura.

“Arbonne is now Argonne”. It was a typo actually but we both enjoyed how it turned out.

Posted on by Shaena

Who’s in charge here?

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all” ~ Oscar Wilde

No, but really. Who?

We are born. And then we die. And that time in between, somebody else is always in charge! Who the fuck decided that?!

I mean, I can see that having a more experienced human in charge of us until we can make our own decisions is a decent idea I suppose. Else we’d be eating dirt for years and I know I personally would have probably never learned to drive (reoccurring childhood dreams…terrifying!). But even then, who decided adult age? Who thought it was a good idea to let us run wild, doing what we wanted at 18? Why not let the older folk remain in charge until we were 25, 30? Okay, that’s ridiculous I know. But you see what I’m saying don’t you?

It doesn’t stop there either. Even when we are legally allowed to do what we want and make our own choices, there’s always still someone in charge. Your boss, your bosses boss, your dog, the custody officer, some knob head we voted in to be in charge. Like, how did all this even start? Who decided? Gahhhh, doesn’t it make you mad?!

Before I continue I’d just like to say I’m not mad at my dog. I love my dog. He’s a little shit. But I love him. A lot.

Ok, so what do we do? How do we take our power back? Because if you hadn’t noticed, we are so used to someone being in charge that we let people take over, tell us what to do, impact our decisions even when we don’t have to. Just have a think about everything you’ve done today; was it because you wanted to or because it’s just something you do because every does it or that’s just what you were told to do? It the same as doing things to keep others happy or because you feel you should. That again is you not being 100% in control of your decision.

I think for everyone it comes down to individual choice and priority. What matters to you the most and do you need to consider someone or something else when choosing how you live your life? For example, where you live. Let’s say you want to move to Australia; how much of that is in your control? I know that I’ve had friends who have not made a move like this because family have not wanted them to. But let’s say you’re single, no legal reasons why you have to stay in the country and there’s a job out there waiting for you. But family or friends or even your current employer are begging you to stay. And they are pulling on those hearts like you wouldn’t believe. We really need to follow our heart more than we follow other people’s. Why do we value their feelings more than our own?

I think it comes back to the impact of social conditioning. We are taught very early on to consider other people’s thoughts, beliefs, feelings etc. But at what point did that turn from a consideration to an obligation? People think you’re selfish for putting yourself first but I don’t think we do that enough. And I hate that we have to decide to ‘be selfish’ to follow our heart or do what’s best for us because it’s not selfish. It’s just us making a decision based on what WE want or need over what other people want or need.

Of course there’s a balance to all of this and if you can find it then great. But I really think there aren’t enough of us tipping the scales in our favour. We have our proportions all wrong.

I’m very quickly approaching 40 and I’m only just realising all of this now. On Sunday I had a lovely conversation with a new sober friend I met through this new Bee Sober initiative I’ve joined. She’s almost 20 years younger than me and we had lots to chat about. But what I loved the most was that everything I’m realising now, she’s realising too. And that fills me with a sense of hope I suppose, because that’s one person who has figured out that she’s in charge before it’s too late. Before she starts doing things to please others, taking on jobs because she thinks she should, putting her dreams on hold or worse; not following them because of what others might think.

Up until now I’ve had a lot of regrets in life. And I was terrified that’s all my life would end up. A big fat regret. But I swear every little thing; good and bad was just getting me ready. It was preparing me for my next chapter…sorry, book. My coach said book, which I think sounds fitting because chapters are a continuation of what’s come before. Well I want that story to end, I want to close that book and it can go back on the shelf and gather dust. Because it’s time for a whole new book. And the story will be of how I decided to take charge of me. A story of no regrets.