Self Care or Self Sabotage?

Hello! Remember me? I’m the one who brought back her blog only to post a couple of times and then disappear!

I hope you can forgive me, life got a bit shit!

Just as I was getting ready for wind down and prep for India mode, my uncle died. It was sudden, knocked me sideways and the whole of October was a blur.

I want to say more here…about him, what it was like to lose him, the days after. But I don’t really know how or what to say. So instead, here is the eulogy I wrote for the funeral. I hope you can get a sense of the incredible human he was and understand why my world was turned upside down. 

Click the image to read the Eulogy.

After the funeral and once life calmed down, I went numb. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do much and I was ALWAYS tired. I just about managed to function a few hours every day, just enough to do what was needed to get ready for India.

Although the plan had always been to wind down with client work, I had still intended to get some writing done, create some great content for you and just get myself into a really good head space. That did not happen!

Every day I told myself, ”it’s okay, do what you can. You are doing your best. You’ve had a lot to deal with. It’s okay to just take care of yourself and do what is best for you”. Did I believe it? Not really. Even though I didn’t do much, I was still struggling with guilt and shame from sitting around and being a sloth.

And then I arrived in India and my mindset shifted. I sank into self care mode and didn’t look back (or forward!). It was as if my brain just knew, there’s nothing for you to do now. You can just chill! So I did. For the first 2 weeks I spent my days reading, journaling, doodling and watching a lot of Netflix.

I’ve 3 more weeks left until I leave for New Zealand and the desire to stay in this zone is strong. But I know deep down that if I continue, it will be a struggle to claw my way out. Because as much as we all need self care, we also need to know when we are venturing into self sabotage.

Self care – The practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s well-being.

Before I arrived in India, I was definitely doing what I could to preserve my well-being. I was maintaining the status quo. I was surviving just so I could get me and Mum on that plane and over here.

Once I got here, I did what I needed to improve my well-being. I rested for real. I ate clean food, got some good sleep and took myself on some lovely walks.

Self sabotage – When your actions hinder or hold you back from doing what you really want or what is best for your wellbeing.

Yes, self sabotage can be disguised as self care. Are you taking a few more days to rest or are you avoiding doing something that will be good for you? Are you protecting your energy by staying away from people and places, or are you avoiding going somewhere that will benefit you?

Am I reading more books, resting my mind, restoring up my energy? Or am I now just using self care as an excuse to avoid getting on with all the things that will actually help move me forward, light me up and get me excited again?

I was definitely verging on the latter…but full disclosure, I’ve also just got back from a couple of days visiting my reiki teacher. Spending time with her lit that spark needed to get my fire burning again. So this has massively helped me from slipping into self-sabtotage.

So I’m officially back! Back from where, I don’t really know. But I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon. Well, unless life decides to throw some more crap at me. Which I guess is inevitable, but I’m just hoping it holds of for a few months at least!

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