Do you really want it? Or, do you just want to want it?

Thursday is one of my favourite days of the week because it’s the day Steven Bartlett releases his second podcast episode of the week.

Today’s episode is with a woman I’ve never heard of, know nothing about and as a result almost didn’t bother listening to. Thankfully I did!*

Because it turned on a lightbulb in my head, one which I think we could all benefit from.

Reflecting on one of the topics from the episode, this post is about the things we want in life.

It’s about our desires, our motivation to take action and our ability to achieve our goals.

People often ask why it was so easy for me to give up drinking. Truth is, it was and wasn’t. The reason it looked easy was because I did the difficult and uncomfortable things to make it easier for me.

I wanted to be sober. I didn’t want to want it.

Can you see the difference? No? Okay, keep reading…

In contrast I want to be someone who loves to exercise and keep my body in great shape. I want to be that person. But I don’t care enough to do the difficult things.

I want to want it. But not enough to get it.

Are you with me now?

Back to getting sober. Now I’d like to add in a caveat at this point because the sober journey is a complex one and there is no one size fits all. But here’s what I observed in the time I was a mentor and coach in a sobriety group.

The ones that struggled to stay sober, the ones who were on the day one rollercoaster; they wanted sobriety. But they didn’t want it enough to do the difficult things to achieve it.

They wanted to want it.

And when I say things I mean, changing your social circle, removing or distancing yourself from people and places, opening up the wounds in order to heal them, being completely honest to yourself, changing as many aspects of your life as you need to so that your decision to stay sober is supported.

It’s about the thing you want to want vs all the things you have to do in order to get it.

If you are willing to do the things, then you want it. If you are not, perhaps you just want to want it?

FFS, how many times have I said ‘want’ already?

Tell you what, let’s switch it up and throw in the word ‘can’t’.

When trying to achieve a goal, be it sobriety, an 8-minute mile, binging an entire 8 season show on Netflix in one weekend; if you say you can’t do it, you are ultimately saying it’s not possible.

Language is important here. Because you are telling your subconscious and therefore lying to yourself by saying you can’t when in fact it’s that you don’t want to take the necessary action to achieve the goal.

Which, by the way, is 100% ok.

We don’t have to want to do everything. And I think the key here is just to be honest about it.

  • I don’t want to spend an hour a day exercising.
  • I don’t want to blow my business up using TikTok.
  • I don’t want to focus on sober coaching.

All of those statements are my truth. Although there is a lot of evidence that perhaps says I should want to do those things.

But I don’t want to.

What I’m not saying is, ‘I can’t’.

And in the sober world, I heard that a lot. I can’t.

But if people were being really honest, it was more that they wanted to want sobriety. But not enough to do the hard things and make necessary changes and sacrifices.

So how do we figure out the things we really want?

  • We will give ourselves the best chance of success.
  • We will remove or overcome obstacles.
  • We will see failure as a lesson and we will keep trying.
  • We will get the help we need.
  • We will take risks.
  • We will make changes.
  • We will sacrifice the necessary.
  • We will do whatever it takes.

When my sister told me to come to New Zealand back in April, I knew I wanted it. And I would do whatever it took for me to get out there.

My business is what you would call a slow burner. It’s far from flying. But it is going in the right direction. I wanted to go to New Zealand so I knew I would make my business work for me while there, even if it meant me potentially cutting myself off from an entire client pool. This is a risk, a change and a necessary sacrifice.

I wasn’t generating enough money to pay for my flights, but I wanted to go to New Zealand, so I sold my car. Here I overcame an obstacle and made another sacrifice.

I know absolutely no one in New Zealand aside from my sister and her partner. So, I’ve already reached out to contacts, groups and other online businesses so I can start networking and making connections before I get there. So, I’m giving myself the best chance of success and getting the help I need.

These are just some of the ways I am doing whatever it takes.

However, when my sister asked me to come to New Zealand back in April, I could have said ‘I can’t’.

I can’t because…

  • I don’t have the money.
  • My client base is in the UK.
  • My business is not established enough.

This would be me wanting to want it. But not wanting it enough.

Ultimately it comes down to three things…

  1. Are you being honest about what you really want and what you don’t?
  2. Are your desires and goals your own or are they what you think you should have?
  3. Are you spending time trying to achieve stuff that you don’t even really give a shit about?

I’ll leave it there for today…because I’m all out of want’s.

*Episode 184 with Marie Forleo

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