fear, self worth

I’ve put on weight…

A lot of weight. Probably the biggest and heaviest I’ve been. And I come in at a very miniature 4 ft 11 so that weight has not got many places to go. So let’s just say I’m feeling very weeble like…anyone born after 2000, google it.

Now before you all come at me with ‘you look fine, you’re not fat’, I appreciate the sentiment but let’s get real for a second. I might look okay to some but I do not look okay to me and even if that’s because society has screwed up my perception of what looking okay means, I’m still not okay with it. And as a result, this makes me feel shit!

And this feeling shit isn’t just on an emotional level. I’m feel heavy, lumpy, like I’m having to squeeze into things, past things and around things. I get tired way too easily because of the weight I’m carrying and It’s really not very much fun.

And because of this feeling I am also continuing to hibernate. Because it’s just easier isn’t it? To hide at home in your lounge wear. I went out yesterday for the first time in ages. Up until now it was either the gym (when it was open), the shops for food or when I could be bothered to drag my sorry ass out for a walk. Yesterday was different. I went out out! To a pub, for lunch, with a new friend.

This outing was a big deal for me, because I stopped socialising almost 2 years ago. Way before lockdown. I think I left my old job in September of 2019 and because of all the shit that was going down in my life then I just didn’t really leave my house very often. So yesterday was pretty HUGE!

But you know what was really sad? I didn’t feel comfortable in any of my clothes. I ended up stealing a top from my Mum’s wardrobe because it was nice and baggy and would cover all the parts of me I feel uncomfortable with. And I hate that. I hate that I felt the need to have to do that.

But who do I have to blame? Nobody but myself. Because I know why I’ve put on weight and I know what I need to lose it. And I know my weight doesn’t define me, but society shames us into thinking that it does and now I’m in this constant battle of love yourself as you are vs just do something about it.

Arghhhhhhh!!! Anyone else feeling this?

I know that if life hadn’t done a number on us this last year and a half I probably would have remained more active. I would have spent less time indoors therefore less time stuffing my face. And I would occasionally worn something other than hoodies, trackies and PJs!

But here we are…or rather, here I am!

And I have tried things; going out for walks, online group workouts, 1:1 sessions with my PT friend but nothing has stuck. I’ve not hated doing any of it and yet I’ve not continued with it for longer than a few weeks…a month tops!

So what the hell is going on? Well, I just got off the phone with my pal and all round wise woman Laura and she said I just need to probably just dig a bit deeper. So here goes lets dig…

Do I want to lose the weight?

Absolutely yes…

Does it matter what I look like?

No, but it matters to me because I feel like crap.

Should I accept myself as I am?

Maybe I should but it makes me unhappy so I’m not going to accept it.

So why am I not doing anything about it?

Because it takes up time and I’m not willing to prioritise.

Why not?

Because I’m trying to build a new business and anything related to that comes first.

So you don’t want it enough?


What’s the real reason?

I don’t know…

You do know…

Ok, I think it gives me an excuse.

An excuse for what?

To stay hidden.

Hidden…from what or who?

Hidden in my baggy clothes, in my house and never go out and socialise ever again!



And there we have it ladies and gentlemen! Like I said, it’s been almost 2 years of me not socialising. The last time I was fully out and about in the world I was a very different person. I mean I don’t even recognise that person anymore.

And although I know I’ve changed so much for the better. Like a hell of a lot for the better. My fear is that all people will see is the weight. They won’t see the powerful, strong, badass person I’ve become. They won’t see the 16 months of sobriety I’ve got under my belt. They won’t even see all the hours I’ve put in to my business, my work I do for Bee Sober. All the rewiring of my brain that I’ve pretty much done alone.

They won’t see any of that.

They’ll just see that I got bigger.

Or is that all I see?

Is that, despite everything I’ve listed above, all I see of me? Because if that’s the case then I’ve still got a lot of work today in that self worth department.

And maybe it’s wrong of me to even be thinking that way, me being a coach and all. But here’s the thing. Coaches aren’t perfect. We don’t have all of our together. We just have more of our shit together then you do. And we are trying to get you to where we are now.

Because the reality is no one has their shit together. You get some shit together and then for a while things are good before life throws some more shit at you that’s in need of dealing with.

So this is my current shit. And I will work through it as I’ve done with everything else before it. Because as I coach I know how. And when I come out the other side I will be able to show you how too.

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