People: What do you want to do later in life?
Me: I don’t really see myself as the career type. I just want to have lots of kids, maybe 5 and be an awesome Mum!
That really was my answer, because that’s what I wanted. I thought it’d be much easier than climbing the career ladder…clearly I was wrong. But at the time I thought having a successful career was a nice idea but it just didn’t feel right for me and felt like a lot of hard work which I frankly could not be fucked with. Saying that, I still went to university, got a degree and a masters, even landed myself a pretty decent grad job but my heart was never in all of that kinda stuff. I did it…well, because everyone else was doing it.
And I continued doing it, it being faking the career woman life. I mean the job part sucked ass but I lived and worked in some cool places and experienced some pretty awesome stuff so I just carried on. And if I’m honest I just thought I’d meet THE ONE at some point along the way and then I could reveal my true self and just be a baby making machine, you know?
But alas, it didn’t happen. My guy hasn’t come along yet, I say yet because one should always remain optimistic and the universe is always listening. A lesson I’ve only learned in recent months hence why my life thus far has been some what of a shit show. Anyway many of you might be thinking that I should stop moaning and there’s plenty of time. But you see, that’s the tea…my time is almost up.
I had an inkling for about a month or so but last week I spoke to the Doctor and my suspicions were right…menopause looms. I’m not quite there yet but it’s probably just around the corner.
So now what? Well, I don’t know really. Mother Nature is telling me I probably won’t be birthing a child so I guess that’s that. I mean I could go and find some random guy to knock me up but at this stage I very much doubt a one nighter is going to do it. And of course, that’s not the way I would want it to happen in an ideal world so…
I think I’m still processing. Up until now I’ve never really cared too much about my age. Since leaving university many moons ago I’ve always been the oldest in most of my friendship circles. But I didn’t feel much older than most of my friends and having been blessed with good genes I definitely didn’t look it either. But now, yeah now I guess I do feel kinda old.
The closer to 40 I got the conversations I had with myself about babies changed. There were times when I thought I didn’t want kids anymore. I’d gotten so used to being by myself and having that single gal freedom, did I even have time for a child? I mean, of course that was absolute bollocks. It’s not like I was living a glamorous life full of adventures. I was sat at home most of the time watching Netflix, drinking my feelings and talking to my dog.
Oh and you know what was really annoying and sometimes fairly soul crushing? The people who were somewhat lacking in tact and the ability to keep their nose out. My favourite lines were ‘you’re a natural, you’d make an excellent mother’ or ‘when are you going to have children?’. Ugh!
Anyway I guess for the most part I was trying to convince myself that maybe motherhood wasn’t for me. Maybe it isn’t. Who knows?! But what I do know is that the ability to make that choice for myself is fading. And that makes me really sad.